Don't Get Fooled By Looks by Dr. Sinclair Grey III

Editor's Note: This article is written by Dr. Sinclair Grey III, Senior Pastor, The Liberation Temple, a non-denominational Christian Church in Mt. Rainier, Maryland.
An inspirational speaker, motivator, author, organizer and “liberator of persons from all intellectual, social and cultural walks of life”, Dr. Sinclair Grey III is a committed advocate for communal change.  NewLifeTodayBlog.com publishes Dr. Sinclair Grey III's writings every Thursday.

Dr, Sinclair Grey III
Senior Pastor
Liberation Temple

Have you ever met someone who seemed perfect on the outside, but flawed on the inside? In other words, they appeared to have it going on, but they were messed up from the floor up. Looks can be deceiving. What looks fine on the outside can be a decoy to the real issues on the inside. Many people will dress up, look good, and perpetrate a fraud when they have issues, challenges, and problems. All of us have stuff going on in our life, but the real problem is when we deny our problems and act as though we're perfect.
In this life, I've discovered that people get fooled everyday by what they see on the outside. That's right; the appearance of a person can make it seem as though they have it all together, however, when many of these people retire from a full day, tears fall down their face. They contemplate their loneliness. In a real sense, they may even question their own self-esteem and self-identity. There values stem from things and people. Please don't miss this. When you judge yourself by the standards of people or things, you lower your value. Your value isn't in the latest fashion. It's not in being popular. And it's not in your socio-economic status. Your value is in being a child of God and doing His will.

In this spiritual journey, you must move beyond the surface of an individual to get to the core. Let me say it this way. Ask the person about their goals and aspirations? Ask them about their faith and how important is their faith? Ask them about their values, morals, and principles? Please don't get so caught up with how a person looks on the outside that you fail to adhere to what's important to you as an individual. Yes, looks are important, but looks should never dominate what you want out of life. Check this out - when you're so focused on a person's looks, you'll lose sight and fall on your face. How so? Because you'll allow what you'll see in the natural to overrule what God wants you to see in the spiritual.

In the Bible, when Samuel was looking for the next King of Israel, he spotted a handsome man from the house of Jesse and thought to himself that he (Eliab) was the one. However, God intervened with these words, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looksat. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at theheart." That's my word for you. Before you get so excited about a how a person looks, spend some time looking at their heart and character. As my mentor would say, 'the heart and character will reveal true beauty.' Here's the Sinclair remix. Don't get fooled by a person's looks because inner beauty will always win out in the long run.

Scripture of the Day:  "Righteousness guards the man of integrity, but wickedness overthrows the sinner." (Proverbs 13:6 -NIV)

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Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober

Are you married to an alcoholic? Is your husband/wife a different person when they drink? Are you tired of the Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde Behavior? Are you at your wits end, and just can’t take it anymore? What can you do?

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1. Stop trying to get your husband/wife to stop drinking.

No matter how much you nag and complain at them to stop drinking, it is not going to do a bit of good. What will is taking care of you. I know, it sounds backwards, but when you’re emotionally stressed out, it will be more difficult to help your loved one. You have no verbal power over the alcoholic. What you do have control over is your actions. What you do and say to the alcoholic will have a direct affect on whether or not they will continue drinking or not.

2. Detach with love.

Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.

Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.

3. Set boundaries

Did you know that the person who takes the verbal abuse of an alcoholic is sometimes just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic? This is why it is absolutely necessary, especially for spouses of alcoholics, to set boundaries for themselves while the alcoholic is drinking.

Don’t allow their roller coaster emotions to affect you. At least do not let them see that they are affecting you. The alcoholic wants to get a reaction out of you, don’t give them that satisfaction. When they are drinking, treat them like a stranger. Remember, you love the person you married, but you do not love the disease. Don’t be nice to the disease but love the person. Do you understand?

4. Do not enable the alcoholic

Don’t help the alcoholic by enabling their addictive behavior. Don’t help them to bed. Don’t let them drive while drinking. Do not let them argue, fuss or fight with you while they are drinking. Do not talk to them, leave the house or room and shut and lock the door behind you. Do not buy them alcohol, even if they beg you to. Don’t let them drive! Don’t treat them any differently because they have a drinking problem. Don’t give them any special attention while they are drinking.

5. Be supportive when they are sober

When the alcoholic in your life is sober, give them extra special attention. Tell them how much you love them, but not the disease. Talk to them about your new boundaries when they are sober. Write them on the refrigerator so they can’t say they forgot. Basically let them know all the bad and awful things they do to you and the rest of the family while they are drinking. They need to know.

6. Go to Alanon

This is very important when you are living with an alcoholic. This is how you heal yourself from the abuses of the alcoholic. This is where you will meet friends who are going through the same things as you. You are not alone.

7. Pray everyday

Never relent in your silent appeals to God for your spouse’s sobriety. I cannot say enough how important it is to keep a well balanced mind, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when living with an alcoholic. They can literally tear you apart. I encourage you to seek God for your comfort and encouragement during this difficult time in your life. God answers our incessant appeals for healing. He feels our suffering and pain. Please do not give up hope.

~~~

Angie Lewis writes on subjects such as love, sex, and intimacy between couples. Her marriage books center on the biblical foundations that God outlines for couples to follow for an exceptional marriage.

Angie writes numerous articles and e-books covering such issues as adultery, addictions, temptation, and forgiveness in marriage. Check out Angie’s website for additional information about her books and online marriage ministry. http://www.heavenministries.com

Love is Not Fear by Michelle Lawson

Recently I began watching the Jeremy Kyle talk show.  What I like about it is that the host candidly tells his guests what he feels about their immature, irresponsible, and stupid behavior. In other words, he is real with them.  He doesn't sugar coat how much damage to their children these guests  who are on the show to find out the paternity of have caused.  Or, in the case of yesterday's show, Jeremy Kyle showed clear disdain for this couple. They had lost custody of their children because of evidence of child abuse.

 What was most disturbing about this situation was the fact that the mother was totally delusion about the husband's obvious lack of respect for her and their children.  The husband, who was an admitted drug addict, had persuaded his wife to prostitute herself while she was pregnant with their youngest child.  And the sad thing about the whole scenario was that when asked why she continued to stay with her despicable husband, she replied, "I love him."

What touched me about this woman's response was that I know there are so many women in this world who believe they love a man who obviously does not love her.  Oh yeah, the man may say he loves her.  And from time to time, he may treat her nice, buy her something, take her out, whisper sweet nothings in her ear, etc.  But it's not love.  

1 John 4:16-18 talks about what love is...

 ¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. 

Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.  

¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: 

In this world we are like Jesus.  

¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:16-18 (NIV)

The Bible tells us that love is not fear.  In the case of this women on the Jeremy Kyle Show, it was obvious that this woman "loved" this man out of fear. How do  we know this?  Because his actions clearly showed that he did not love her.  And yet, despite these obvious signs of disrespect and  lack of love, she continued to "love" this man.  It was apparent that she feared the unkown of leaving him more than the fear of staying. But Love is not fear.

I believe people who have a misguided view about it believe that love is a feeling.  They believe they are in love because their hearts patter when they see that special person, or when they hear someone else's name.  But I have grown to realize that love is an action verb.  If you are in love with someone, your actions will show it.  You will do positive things for that person as a sign of your love.  You will want the best for that person because of the love you have for that person.  And that love in actions will be returned. A person that loves you will not ask you to prostitute yourself, or to do drugs, or to commit a crime, or force you to have sex against your will, or to hit you.  A person that does those things to you does not love you, no matter what he or she says.  A person that loves you will treat you with kindness, respect, and show care and consideration at all times. 

So what do you do if you realize that your relationship is not a loving one? How about if you are married to this person? Well, your course of action depends on what part you have played.   You have to evaluate the relationship and be honest with yourself. Perhaps you have been the one of the relationship who has been unloving.  If so, what do you need to do to actually love the other person?  Do it starting today! Or do you know deep in your heart that you will never love that person. Then what you need to do is find a way to leave this person.  If you have any compassion at all as a human being, why would you be so selfish to continue in a loveless relationship.  That is so unfair to the other person!

Anyone who is in a relationship because of fear, wake up today and realize this is not love.  I know this realization may be a very painful one, but isn't the state of your relationship hurting you anyway?  As David says in Psalm 27:1

 ¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?